The Curmudgeon


Friday, May 25, 2012

The Book of Gove

Chapter I
1. Now the children of Albion had forgot the commandments of the LORD, and were fallen in sinful ways.
2. And the LORD said, Let there be Gove, that my will may be done unto my creatures, and my name made a laughing-stock unto the nation.
3. And the LORD scraped the bottom of a barrel, and breathed life into the effluence which was within.
4. And behold, the Gove stood forth upon its spindles, and did gibber mightily, Praise unto the LORD that was so wise as to create me.
5. And the Gove said, Let us send forth into the cloisters of Albion this Book, which they all possess already.
6. And let the Book be decorated with the name and title of Gove, that the children of Albion may know whereof they possess.
7. For behold, this Book hath been published these four hundred years, yet never before been decorated with the name and title of Gove.
8. Let it therefore be printed and sent forth, that the children of Albion may learn that there is an Anglican in heaven.
9. And the Gove went forth unto the moneylenders, gibbering, Give me money to print this Book, that hath been hidden so long under a bushel.
10. And the moneylenders read in the Book, and saw that it proclaimed, The poor always ye have with you, and they saw that it was good.
11. And behold, the Book was printed, and decorated with the name and title of Gove,
12. And lay for a twelvemonth in the warehouses, because none had thought how to distribute it.
13. And the LORD saw that it was good.

Chapter II
1. Now the scribes in the cloisters of Albion were much perplexed, and said,
2. Have we not copies of this Book already, which we got for ourselves, without the intervention of a Gove?
3. And are our copies not clean and discreetly bound, and free from the markings of liars and usurers?
4. And hath not the great date passed a twelvemonth ago, which was the four hundredth year since this Book first appeared?
5. And the Gove was wroth.
6. And the Gove went unto the scribes, and said, I knew not, that my mark and signature would be upon this Book.
7. Although I rather like it.
8. And behold, hath not this Book influenced greatly the glorious history of our chosen people?
9. And hath it not inspired great massacres of the infidel, and brought much booty back to Albion?
10. And is it not full of war, and slave-holding, and adultery, and the beautiful doctrine that the earth moveth not?
11. And doth it not contain the story of Joshua, and the story of Esther, and the story of Onan, which are filled all three with every manner of propriety?
12. And doth it not contain also the story of Jesus the Christ, who taught that the rich should be allowed to keep their earthly reward?
13. And the scribes hearkened unto the gibbering of the Gove, and were silenced.

Chapter III
1. Now the Book had lain a twelvemonth in the warehouses, and it came to be the four hundred and first year since first it had appeared.
2. And the scribes and astrologers of Albion looked upon the Gove, and mocked it.
3. And the Gove was wroth, and gibbered.
4. And said, Are not more books than this worthy of the children of Albion?
5. And shall my mark and title not embellish the works of the infidel, as well as the work of the true God?
6. And are there not books of Persia and India and the other vassals of Albion, which may also serve to glorify the name of Gove?
7. And the LORD heard the Gove in its gibbering, and said, Thy name was not meant for glory.
8. For behold, thou art less wise than the stick insect which has the wisdom to conceal itself, and gibbers not from morn to night.
9. Thou art less beautiful than the stick insect which gains beauty from the tree where it rests, and intrudes itself not into the affairs of learned men.
10. Thou art less good than the stick insect which cometh not between the child and its teacher, and which taketh not from the poor to aid those who want for nothing.
11. I am the LORD thy creator, and thou art less than the stick insect, for such I created thee.
12. And the Gove gibbered mightily unto the end of its days, which were long and sordid, and filled with the mockery of the infidel.
13. And the LORD was pleased.


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