The Curmudgeon


Tuesday, July 06, 2010

The Respected Patriarch

A Respected Patriarch, whose eldest daughter had caused him much anxiety by running away in a manner which could not easily be explained to the neighbours, discovered her in flagrante delicto with an Evil Abortionist and his freshly greased coathanger.

"Cold-blooded murderer and accessory after the fact to my considerable inconvenience!" fulminated the Respected Patriarch. "Tell me, before the Lord strike you dead: what have you done to my child?"

"To which of your children are you referring?" asked the Evil Abortionist. "The eldest, on whom I have just performed a minor operation, is healthy enough; the youngest is mostly to be found in the metal bucket at your feet. As to your other children, by your current wife as well as the previous two: all I have done to them is the service of removing a competitor from their midst."

"You will be answerable for the suffering you have caused!" raged the Respected Patriarch.

"I am very happy to hear it," said the Evil Abortionist; "your eldest child is thoroughly sedated and, when she wakes up, will be thoroughly relieved; in the case of the bucket's inhabitant the nerves had no connection with the brain, and thus no suffering was inflicted. Of course," continued the Evil Abortionist, pulling the condoms off his fingers, "you yourself have been put to some small trouble and anxiety on your way here, but rest assured: the young lady came to me before going to the newspapers, and I was able to persuade her that your income would attract more journalistic humanitarianism than her difficulty. My work is, of course, its own reward; but a modest cash deposit in the kidney dish to the left of the exit door would be a commendable precaution as well as a suitable wedding present."


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