The Curmudgeon


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A Very Special Trip

An Enlightened Opponent of Unnecessary Suffering found himself unnecessarily oppressed by a Suffering Mass which had materialised in his living room. Every day, when he came home from his job in the creative department of DeForrest and Greenwash, Inc., the Suffering Mass had grown larger and louder.

"Alas!" cried the Enlightened Opponent of Unnecessary Suffering. "Is there nothing that can be done to prevent this Suffering Mass from overwhelming my life - some course of action which can be taken by somebody else in order to ensure that my compassion does not rebound against my own interests? For I have a mortgage, a car and a rich multicultural diet to support, and any major alteration in my way of life would cause vast and undue trauma to my sense of self-worth. This in turn would induce a humble yet not entirely insignificant deterioration in the world economy, to the further unnecessary detriment of all Suffering Masses."

And behold, as soon as he had repeated his lament three times (for the Enlightened Opponent of Unnecessary Suffering was a great believer in freedom of expression), a Travel Agent appeared beside him in a carbonic cloud of air-miles. "If you are troubled by what you see," said the Travel Agent, "why not take a trip elsewhere and forget about it? There are all sorts of places in the world where the climate is friendly and Suffering Masses are treated with more discretion."

"That would be mere cowardice and self-deception," said the Enlightened Opponent of Unnecessary Suffering; "besides, I could never leave my home and property at the mercy of this Suffering Mass, which may become lawless at any moment."

"You need not fear," the Travel Agent replied. "You can take the trip in this very room, without altering your way of life in the slightest. Simply follow the circular path of frozen aid which I have taken the liberty of marking out."

And indeed, the Enlightened Opponent of Unnecessary Suffering saw that a glittering white circle had appeared around the edges of the room.

"So long as you stay on the path," said the Travel Agent, "the Suffering Mass will remain at a convenient distance, and will seem much smaller and less significant than it now appears thanks to the benignly blinding gleam of the ice. Pray utilise this bicycle, at no extra cost; we find that customers who participate in our White Gilt Trip feel the better for skidding around the issue on two wheels."

"Very liberal of you," said the Enlightened Opponent of Unnecessary Suffering, who quickly became so expert in sliding the bicycle along the ice that, without the least distraction from the Suffering Mass, he was able to start planning a lawsuit against the Travel Agent for causing unnecessary agony to the layout of his living room.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home