The Curmudgeon


Friday, October 22, 2004

News 2020

All the news that will be news around the world around fifteen years from now

Futures traders wishing to profit unfairly from the revelations contained herein are invited to apply to the reporter with appropriate incentives

The former Prime Minister, Lord Blair of Belmarsh, today paid a heartfelt tribute to his valued colleague-in-arms, George W Bush, who died on Monday after six years as President of the United States and thirteen years as Emergency Commander-in-Chief under the Homeland Constitution. Speaking from his private bunker, Lord Blair referred to Mr Bush as "a valued colleague-in-arms" who deserved his "heartfelt tribute".

With the oil reserves in the Middle East beginning to sputter, the markets were volatile today, settling down towards evening with the Prime Minister's announcement that restrictions on air traffic over Britain will be re-downrevised again later this year to allow up to three times more commercial flights. A sixth London airport will be built to help accommodate the extra traffic, resulting in the creation of twelve thousand new jobs for Cambodian refugees under the Cheaper Compassion Act.

The leader of the opposition, Boris Johnson, criticised the plan, claiming that the environmental impact of the new airport could be detrimental to the countryside. "I trust the Government's contractors will ensure that the Cambodians are properly screened for cleanliness," he said. The Prime Minister said that all workers permitted to benefit from the Cheaper Compassion Act were rigorously trained in enviro-scrupulosity, and that further Government interference in contractors' practices would be an unacceptable violation of free market principles.

The BBC has apologised to Israel for anti-semitic bias in its broadcasting. The use of the word "invasion" to describe Israel's pre-emptive police action against the United Arab Emirates has been sharply criticised by the Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, as well as by the Knesset, the White House, the Pentagon, the B'nai Brith Anti-Defamation League, the Eastern Democrat mayor of Baghdad, and the Home Secretary. The BBC says it has reprimanded the reporter who used the offending term and will be handing him over to Mossad if there is any repetition of the incident.

In other news, a landslide in Bangladesh has killed about ten thousand people and made half a million homeless. Aid workers said the problems were caused by a lack of topsoil. The world shortage of topsoil is especially acute in Bangladesh because of the country's inefficient environmental policies, it was stated. No Britons were hurt.


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