Throats Cleared in Long Grass

To his many and varied derelictions against democracy, truth, good taste, and chaste British womanhood, the National Johnson has added the unforgivable sin: namely that of treating the House of Lords as a rest-home for used-up sycophants and a repository for well-disposed inquiry-mongers, even though it is actually something or other a good deal more dignified, actually. A committee of noble lords has expressed righteous indignation that the National Johnson did not behave more like his glistening pink Bullingdon Club chum and prime-ministerial predecessor, whose sense of the upper house's dignity was such that he personally ennobled his private hairdresser. The committee's report also worries that little more than a fifth of peers are affiliated to Labour, which may cause Team Starmer some difficulties in the event that, as slightly more than nobody now anticipates, it attempts to enact non-Conservative policies once in office. Fortunately for the dignity of Parliament, Team Starmer has pledged to abolish unelected peers, which means that Team Starmer has hinted that it will appoint more unelected peers to force through its wage-freezing, migrant-bashing, climate-crashing agenda. Meanwhile, the committee has offered several helpful suggestions.