Crabby Old Experts

Government investigations into a recent ecological disaster are being kept to an appropriately rigorous degree of optimism, thanks to the exclusion of mere scientists and their inconvenient pedantry over fripperies such as facts. A massive die-off among crustaceans along the north-east coast of England was found to be the result of a natural process, and the Department for Environmental Fouling, Racketeering and Abuse found no evidence of human activity being responsible. Scientists and other trouble-makers blamed dredging in the River Tees, whereupon ministers closed their eyes tight, stuck their fingers in their ears, belched the National Anthem at full volume, and declared that they could find no evidence. Coincidentally, if the dredging is found to be a factor the Government's plans for a post-Brexit boondoggle in the area might suffer complications, thereby clouding the limpid simplicity of life on the sunlit uplands.