Unity Undermined

Plans to connect two provinces of the Recrudescent Imperium by stretching a large dead cat over the Irish Sea may be complicated by the presence of souvenirs from our various military and industrial triumphs. Bomb Squad boffins, who evidently haven't had enough to do since the Troubles came to an end, said that risks would be posed by unexploded munitions dumped during Mr Churchill's glorious victories against Prussian militarism, as well as by the nuclear waste thrown out in the hope of mutating the traitorous Fenians into tolerantly glowing, Trumpster-hued Ulstermen. Naturally Her Majesty's Government has more important things to do than monitor the dump-site, so that when a gas pipeline was under construction twenty years ago a child was injured by a phosphorous device; thus clearly demonstrating the advantages of confining public works of major Britishness to the expendable north. Even the boffins admit that in the present case nothing more would be at risk than the project and its personnel: a matter easily resolved by dispensing with all that nasty Health and Safety red tape which has held the nation for so long in its icy, Stalinistic grip. In any case, the People's Haystack would not be inconvenienced, since for any distance exceeding twenty miles he prefers to use a jet; and once completed the bridge will be an invaluable cavalry route, should it become necessary to take Cromwellian measures against the recalcitrant unionists of Dublin.