The Most Important Job Of All

Almost fifty more British jobs have been saved in the Mediterranean. An attempt by meddling Euro-wogs to interfere in the free movement of human resources between North Africa and Davey Jones' locker backfired when an approaching rescue ship caused a sudden deflation in the dinghy market. Fortunately, the motives for the foiled acts of migrancy are thought to have been purely materialistic.

Never a slave to considerations of mere decency, the British Government has been delaying its own grudging part in the rescue operations thanks to a previously latent concern with international law. Westminster may be intensely chillaxed about prisoners' rights and whether or not the urban prole has air to breathe; but in the face of migrant apocalypse even Britain's Head Boy becomes a bit of a stickler. Of course, quite aside from the obvious fact that more drownings are what Winston Churchill, the royal baby and Little Ivan would have wanted, Daveybloke's own career is now thought to be under some threat from an upstart Belgian.