Royal Baby Disappoints

Fury at royal slacker horror

The Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a viable infantine resource with no known telegenic birth defects.

The result is likely to infuriate the Conservative Party, which had been hoping for a dead infant to help push them over the line in next week's election.

"It's a bit disappointing but we will soldier on," said a visibly deflated spokesbeing for Conservative Central Office when the news was announced. "We will just have to find other things for Dave to simper about.

"Dave and Kate are sort of blood relations, so you'd expect a bit of support between family members at a time like this, but of course it's the Royal Family's prerogative to use their own property as they see fit."

Treasury sources say the Chancellor had set aside up to £12bn for "the mother of all state funerals" in the event of the Duchess delivering the necessary pretext.

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, famously made use of his own dead and disabled son Ivan to win the trust of voters over the NHS in 2010.

He was promptly emulated by Gordon Brown, who tried to raise the bidding with a dead daughter and a disabled son, but the market had bottomed out.