Natural Health and Beauty

Michael Gove, the chief whip of the Pricks and Schoolboys Club, has ruled out getting into bed with Nigel Farage on the grounds that such an encounter would fail to meet rigorous new standards for cheap and sordid power transactions. Gove said he would be "perfectly civil with any Member of Parliament" except possibly the Speaker of the House of Commons, but predicted that the Farage Falange would emerge from the election insufficiently rampant to merit inclusion in any official far-right circle jerk. The Conservatives are known to have had several quick and nasty knee-tremblers with the Farage Falange in stationery cupboards, and Labour are thought to have tentatively touched its bum at the office Christmas bash, but neither main party will admit to going steady or exchanging bodily fluids. A spokesbeing said that getting into bed would be a relic of the "free and easy, 1960s Stalinism of the last Labour government", and that future relations would have to be negotiated on uncarpeted floors in cold rooms over the faces of hard-working families.