News 2020

Five times winner of the BBC Award for Nautical Non-Destabilisation

A potential fire hazard at the BBC was averted last night when riot police dispersed a large crowd which had gathered outside the corporation's headquarters in Aldwych, London.

The crowd consisted of several thousand people holding lighted candles, every one of which, according to fire chief Inigo Stubbs, was a potential "accident waiting to happen".

"The spreading properties of fire are well known," said Mr Stubbs after the incident. "Candles, of course, are partly inflammable, and if brought into contact with other inflammable material, can be considered a potentially lethal source of pyrotic units."

Pyrotic units, or "flames" as laymen call them, first appeared outside Bush House in the early evening. Within half an hour the potentially lethal candles were also in evidence near the Blair and Birt wings of the BBC complex.

"They were visible from my office window," said BBC Director-General Mandy Peterson, speaking from her flame-proof bunker this evening. "The culprits said they were a peaceful demonstration, but if that was the case, why the threat of fire?"

The supposed demonstration, according to police, was to protest against "pro-Government bias" in the BBC's broadcasting. "I just can't understand it," said Ms Peterson. "Our reports criticise the Government whenever it seems necessary. Only yesterday there was a very good piece probing whether the Government's statistics on the number of asylum seekers being refused entry are genuinely reliable."

Ms Peterson's predecessor as director-general, Andrew Marr, said that she had acted with "foresight and determination" to avert a grave threat to democracy and freedom of speech. "When the crisis came, she took decisive action, refused to speak to the enemy and called in the riot squad," said Mr Marr. "Mandy Peterson stands as a larger woman and a larger director general as a result."