News 2020

All the fun of the future without the pain of living there

The Ministry of Defence has once again denied that a "culture of violence and abuse" exists at the Slashwell army training barracks, where a number of recruits have come forward with claims of being bullied, humiliated and sexually harassed.

"I only joined up to learn a trade," said ex-Private William Windsor, who was invalided out of Slashwell after shooting himself in both feet. "The recruitment advertisements said I'd get to handle loads of cool equipment like in a computer game, and that they'd teach me to drive a tank. If you get promoted above corporal there's an option on learning to read and write, too. I certainly never expected all this violence and swearing. They don't even let you wear your own clothes."

However, the Ministry of Defence has issued a categorical denial of Private Windsor's story. "The very idea that a British soldier could be capable of violence is entirely at odds with reality," said the MoD statement. "British soldiers do not commit violence. They carry out peacekeeping duties."

Staff officers at Slashwell have made similar statements in response to previous complaints. "Recruits are encouraged to develop mature and giving relationships with their superiors in the military hierarchy," said one officer. "Cowards and weaklings are not punished for their handicaps, but rather gently encouraged towards the goals which they have set for themselves."

"Training facilities like Slashwell are the backbone of the British army," stated the MoD today. "A backbone must be straight, upstanding and rigid. The training which the British army gives to its recruits is the finest in the world, as befits one of the finest armies in the world, although one must never forget that the American army too is a very fine army indeed."

The MoD said it was confident that recruits from Slashwell will one day go forth into the world as highly competent defenders, peacekeepers and democratisers. Some recruits from Slashwell may even be able to qualify as interrogators, the statement said.